actually, I'm a sock model
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
