I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
