Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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