yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
