3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
