My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
NoShamevember. You game?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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