you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
