im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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