Can i not drive my cunt home
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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