I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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