How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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