You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.