I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
