Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book