someone threw a dead crab at me
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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