My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The best revenge is premature balding
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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