My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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