are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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