your room smells of hookers.
And success
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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