I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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