Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Randomize
