he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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