It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
