remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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