i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
