I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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