did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
