Kareoke will never be a sober sport
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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