Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
