The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
