My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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