my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
