A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
