she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
