just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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