Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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