i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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