we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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