sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
