normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
