don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
