My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
