The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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