fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I know her cup size but not her name....
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
