He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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