Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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