I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
