why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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