I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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