What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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