highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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