Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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