Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
