i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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