oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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