i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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