I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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