Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
