when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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