wrigley field is MILF paradise
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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