get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
