This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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